contradictions

work is work, and i care less about it each day. i managed to read all of down and out in paris and london today, and it seemed sort of fitting. obviously, i'm nowhere near the state orwell was in at the time, but i empathised with the way he writes about his meaningless job in paris. he writes, to sum up, a plongeur is a slave, and a wasted slave, doing stupid and largely unnecessary work. that is exactly how i feel. i sit in classrooms mostly unnoticed by both the faculty and the students. i ignore people more and more with each passing day and am no longer bothered by whatever amount of noise my students create. sometimes i get scolded by my so-called superiors*, but really, that just makes me laugh. at the same time, i can only laugh about it for so long. my apathy comes and goes and is often replaced by severe rage or depression. and sometimes, though this is extremely rare, even joy.i spoke to brian yesterday, which was nice. he encouraged me to do what is good for me, so i think i will finish up the school year with this job, then promptly quit so that i can finish my degree and get on with my life. when i read some of the things i have written, i know that staying at this job longer will cause me to become either suicidal or homicidal, or both. for instance, last week, i wrote,...but for the seven hours that i sit enduring what is surely the slowest form of unforgiving torture, my violence is stifled, muzzled, unfulfilled and incomplete. i am an angry pacifist pretending to care and trying harder by the day to mask my vitriol as dedication and diligence. i dream of ak-47s. i dream in black and white and red. i dream only in red. i have become so hateful, and the sheer annoyance of my experience is culled only by disheartening and dulling depression....that's sort of a tragic and hyperbolic representation of my current life situation, but it was how i felt at the time and how i will likely feel tomorrow or the next day or the next day. but i am optimistic that things will get better.*the police - synchronicity II (and every single meeting with his so-called superiors is a humiliating kick in the crotch!)